When I began the divorce process, I believed that our legal system was more or less even handed and the court would render a decision that made reasonable sense for everyone involved. This is an assumption you do not want to make. It has now been 5 years and I am still fighting to correct an impossible situation. I put together this blog in the hope that it will help a few avoid the mistakes that I made.
The Politics of Child Support
The cards are stacked against the father. If you think about it for just a moment, you will know this is true. Have you heard anyone ever use the term 'Dead Beat Mom'? or how about 'Dead Beat Parent'? There is a presumption here in the Midwest, that mothers are better parents and fathers will do anything to escape their responsibility as parents. Courts and politicians want to be known as individuals that are working for the betterment of children. Unfortunately the courts cannot realistically understand what is actually going on in any specific situation. For this reason they simply default the cultural assumption that mom is the best parent. Assume the court will be reasonable at your own risk. I was declared under employed and assigned payments in excess of twice my entire income. With no assets and limited credit, I became insolvent upon leaving the court room.
Get on the Right Side of the Politics
Growing up, I was taught: it takes 2 to tangle. This is not the case here. If you roll over and hope for the best you may be assigned payments that are impossible to manage no matter how frugal you are. You will then get caught up in a never ending battle to fix the situation. You need to get the politics on your side at the front end. The only way to get on the winning side of the equation is to present yourself as THE committed and responsible parent. The safety and welfare of the children trumps the assumption that mom is the better parent. I know you are thinking: I am above all this and my 'X' is really not that bad. I do not advocate saying anything that is not true. Remember the court can never really understand your situation and will assume that mom is the committed parent and that you are working to do as little as possible for your children. My 'X' was a bit of a drinker and left me to take care of the kids while she partied. I opted not to make the court aware of this in an effort to keep things civilized. I am still paying for that choice 5 years later. If you let the cards land where they will, you may be trying to fight your way out of an impossible situation for years.
Mediation
Its usually better if you can resolve your child support through mediation. I do have a warning however. Under no circumstances, use a mediator suggested by your 'X's" attorney. Mediators are business people. They get their business through referrals from attorneys. Attorneys select mediators that lean to their direction. I made the mistake of allowing my X's attorney to select the mediator. When I went to mediation it was clear that her attorney had had extensive discussions with the mediator before hand. The mediation ended up as my X's attorney and the mediator trying to sell me on a very lopsided agreement. It was an expensive waste of time.
Sleazy Attorney Tricks
The courts try to keep attorney tactics fair and reasonable. They fail. Family attorneys know how to play the game right up to a line. Here are a few of the tricks you should be aware of.
Buried in Paper - Opposing attorneys will often try to bury you in paper simply to harass you, run up your costs and otherwise beat you into submission. Prior to trial they request every check, every financial transaction, and every thing else that they can think of going back for years. Just say no. Give them reasonable records and a response that the excessive items they are 'intrusive and onerous'. It is then up to them to convince the court that their request is reasonable. Do not let them run you around in circles.
Embarrassed and Harassed - The opposing attorney had me served repeatedly at my work simply to harass me. In one case I was served over a $5 fee that I was supposed to have paid. Having me served obviously cost many times the $5. This was done solely to harass me. All you can do here is call them on it and complain to the court.
Mislead - I was lead to believe that most of the issues at hand had been resolved prior to our court date. Once in court, I was unpleasantly surprised to learn that our verbal discussions meant nothing. That left me completely unprepared on these issues. Family attorneys do not operate under the same rules of decency that normal members of society do. It is their job to trick and confuse you. Do not count on anything they say. There is a reason for all of those attorney jokes.
Death by Attorneys Fees
Sadly attorneys fees can be THE most important issue in any legal matter. Its a common legal strategy to bleed the other party dry by causing them excessive attorneys fees. You can win all of the battles and attorneys fees can still cause you to lose the war. It is not at all unusual to spend more on attorneys fees than the difference on an issue is worth. As things get heated both parties get so focused on winning they forget the attorneys fees. Those fees quickly run into the 10's of thousands of dollars. Everything is on the Internet these days: forms, instructions, advise, etc.Its not rocket science. Use attorneys as sparingly as possible. If you learn to file your own motions and otherwise do most of the lawyering yourself, you will come out ahead.
Deadbeat Dad
Once you get behind on child support payments, you are a dead beat dad. The court may have assigned you payments that are mathematically impossible for you to make. You are still a dead beat dad if you do not make them. Once you are labeled a dead beat dad you might as well be an accused child molester. The law an everyone else will assume you simply refuse to support your children. If you try to defend yourself or explain, no one will believe you and you will only further damage your reputation. Even if you have done everything in your power to be a responsible father and support your children you can be thrown in jail, your reputation ruined, your credit ruined, your career ruined, your tax refund taken, your drivers licenced and passport suspended . Our law makers have made rules such that back child support cannot be written off even off under any circumstances. This is true even if the collection of back child support puts the father in such a bad position that the children are at risk. Also be aware that potential employers can quickly find out if you are behind on child support and pass you over. This will prevent you from earning enough to catch up on child support. Its a catch 22. This goes back to the politics of child support. The courts and lawmakers will not risk being perceived as on the wrong side of the children no matter how outrageous this causes the results to be. This is why you must avoid this at the front end at all costs.
I know there are women out there that do more than their part for their children. I applaud them. I also applaud the efforts of our courts to help them. I am writing this blog for those men that are too nice and too trusting for their own good. our family court system really is a place where nice guys finish last. Once again I hope to have a my motion to have child support reviewed. I suspect This will be a regular occurrence for years to come. Maybe if I had not been so easy going at the front end this could be behind me by now.
Please pass along your stories on the subject. I would love to know about the sleazy attorney tactics, sex biased judges and magistrates, and crazy judgements.
